It’s been about 6 months since I first became unemployed. At this point, I have gone through the full spectrum of emotions that one would have while searching for a job. The spectrum is even wider as I’ve searched for purpose and desire for what I want to do. There are days that I doubt my accomplishments and there are more days where I regret going to grad school. The burden of debt that will get heavier with time has become a given for me and I no longer worry about its existence. There are days, too, where I relish the freedom that goes along with the search for purpose. I face the day with no expectation.
This freedom is makes me afraid because there is no hiding. I can’t hide behind people’s expectations, cultural obligations, or external circumstances. I am responsible for what I do for the day. In the past few months, I’ve started to write more regularly. I hope that this writing will extract something – a desires or a direction. Music has also been a more regular part of my life. I practice on a semi-daily basis and my skill level has brought me to a new place of possibility and a new appreciation for the intricacy of music. The freedom of artistic development has also brought anxiety to an already rigid mind. I find myself regularly worried about the future: money, relationships, actually being an adult. Of course, I regularly doubt my talent despite the gracious compliments from friends and strangers. I don’t know how this will end. I think I just have to accept it and maybe through its acceptance it will paradoxically vanish.
I think I still have hope that things will work out or that I will come to a place in my head and heart where I accept the hardships of life that seem to characterize adult life in post-9/11, post-economic-decline, life.